Someone should

Someone should clean my office.
Someone should get rid of a bunch of crap from my computer.
Someone should figure out the perfect way to arrange photos of our family in our house.
Someone should finish up the last couple of photo orders that I need to do.
Someone should order homeschool curriculum for next year.
Someone should take the cat to the vet. He’s too skinny.
Someone should make an appointment for the girls to go to the dentist, even though I really don’t think they need to go to the dentist, but we’re supposed to take them anyway. Because we have nothing better to do.
Someone should stop eating late at night.
Someone should clean out the van.
Someone should probably shave my legs.
Someone should stop wasting time and get her butt off the computer.
Someone should go to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour. (midnight…is that reasonable?)


I guess that someone is me. Guess I better get on this stuff, starting with the last one. Goodnight, folks.

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The gridlock.

Phillip and I are taking a marriage class at our church. Do you want to know why we’re taking that class? Honestly? Because it has free childcare. Because we totally think we’ve got this marriage thing figured out. But we really don’t, probably. But we think we do. Anyway, in the class tonight the topic of being in gridlock about a subject came up. We didn’t talk about it long, but it got me to thinking about the only real gridlock I can recall Phillip and I being in. And I’m not talking about little things, like a movie that I really wanted to see and he didn’t or anything like that. I’m talking about a real big thing that we both were dead set not going to budge on. A thing that really caused a rift that we couldn’t seem to get past.


If you’ve been following my blog for some time, then you may remember this post on my previous blog.


When was this written? August. Just three months before we learned about the girls. And what that post doesn’t really say is that there was really some serious tension between Phillip and myself on this subject. I desperately wanted to adopt again. I didn’t feel our family was complete. I cried myself to sleep many nights because of it. I didn’t feel like he was listening to my feelings and he had said his peace and didn’t feel that I was respecting his decision. He had good, logical, sound reasons not to adopt anymore children. And I had lofty, naive, emotional reasons why we should.


And for the most part we were fine. But I was bitter. I really was. And I was letting it affect our relationship. I was cold at times and just down right mean. I felt like I had already been ripped off by nature or God or whatever because I couldn’t bear anymore children. And I felt like Phillip was just pouring salt on the wound by not indulging my desire to adopt again. I think we were both willing to let this disagreement come between us, especially me. But we were both not going to budge on the subject. I felt he was being intensive and he (rightly so) thought I was absolutely nuts. And I was honestly beginning to worry about the future of our marriage. I wasn’t thinking divorce or anything that drastic. I was just thinking that we would have this unsettled matter between us for the rest of our marriage. That I would be a little old lady still mad at him because he wouldn’t let me adopt another child. And as much as we really didn’t want there to be bitterness in our marriage, I wasn’t willing to budge and neither was he.


And we would still probably be there today if not for the call on November 10th. Because if there was any possible scenario that would cause Phillip to budge on the issue of adopting again, it was the very scenario we were faced with that day.


Mikey has two sisters.


Mikey, the boy we adore more than life itself, the child who has brought us more joy and healing than we could have imaged, has two sister. Two sisters.


And I, being the crazy person that I am, was ready to take them in on the spot without knowing a single thing about them. They could have had three heads for all I cared. Phillip, being the more grounded, reasonable person, still wasn’t convinced that it was the right thing to do.


Until he met them.


And until I met them.

He knew that once I saw those girls that I would be broken down to my core if we didn’t adopt them. He knew that if he said “no” I would probably never forgive him. And right or wrong, he was right. I don’t think I could have ever recovered from that. Because, remember, I wanted another child. I had prayed desperately that God would change one of our hearts. I had begged God to make a way for us to adopt again. And he had answered my prayer. I was the victor!


But this is the thing. I had a very naive, storybook ideal of how it would be. We would instantly fall in love. Head over heals in love. Phillip, again, being the reasonable one, knew it was be very difficult. The most difficult thing we would ever do. He approached the whole situation with much more caution and fear. I was sort of afraid, but mostly just excited.


And then we got them.


And for the first couple of weeks things were really pretty good. And then the honeymoon phase ended. Real personalities started to emerge. The reality of our new life began to soak in. And the storybook ideal that I had imaged began to crumble. Because it was really hard. I didn’t instantly fall in love with the girls like I thought I would. And neither did Phillip. They didn’t feel like mine right away. It honestly felt like they were intruders. And I know they’re just little kids and that sounds harsh, but that’s how it felt nonetheless.


And I was just so taken aback by this. I desperately wanted more children. I had prayed for these kids long before I knew they existed. I longed for them, genuinely. I was expecting the business. I was expecting the insanity and the extra laundry. I really wasn’t caught off guard by that stuff. But I didn’t know they wouldn’t fee like mine right away. I didn’t know that I would have a hard time falling in love with them. Nobody told me that. And even if they had, I wouldn’t have listened.


And I think for a time we both began to question if this was indeed the right thing. Because if this is what we were supposed to do, then wouldn’t it just feel right? What I didn’t know at the time is that it is very typical for adoptive parents to feel this way, especially if they’re adopting a child that’s a bit older like Brittany was.


We’ve now had the girls for about 4 months. And things pretty much feel normal now. I can honestly say that I love these girls. Do I feel exactly the same way about them as I do the boys? Not yet. If you’re a parent you know the feeling of being completely intertwined with your child. That child is part of your soul, just an extension of your own body. The feelings for your child go far beyond love. Much of my identity is wrapped up in being the boys’ mom. I don’t feel those deep, connected feelings toward the girls yet. But I do love them. And they love me. They have completely accepted me and Phillip as their parents.


So I write all this just to say a few things. First of all, God does still answer the prayers of his people. He hears us when we pray at night and cry into our pillows. He hears our dreams that seem so lofty we can hardly believe them ourselves. He may not always answer the way you hope, but he hears. And even if God does give us what we’ve prayed for, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be all roses. Any kind of significant change in our regular lives are going to present more challenges than we thought they would.


But I also want to come back to the gridlock thing. Phillip and I are very good friends. I love him dearly. I would never want to hurt him and he would never want to hurt me. But when we were in this place of disagreement, we were hurting each other whether it was intentional or unintentional. We were both wrong. We both wanted to control our future based on somewhat selfish desires. When all the while, God already had the whole thing figured out. And he put in place a plan that was bigger than either one of us. Don’t let your marriage suffer because of a disagreement that is bigger than you. Really, just adore your husband or wife and know that God already has it all figured out.


And even thought it is still hard and we still have some bad days, I know that these girls are right where they are supposed to be. As I cried at night back in August for God to hear my prayer, he already knew the children that I was crying for.


And the gridlock is no more.

The newest Hintze.

There are so many photos and outings and things and antidotes and just all kinds of things these days that I’m not able to post. But…I can’t let this one completely slip through the cracks. Because it’s kind of a big deal. About 5 weeks ago Phillip’s brother, Josh, and his wife, Ashley, had a baby! And we are so excited!!! We got to go visit them shortly after he was born so we could see him and so I could get some photos. He is entirely too cute. We pretty much just held him or stared at him all weekend.






And they just came down for Easter and I got a few more pictures of him. Here are a couple of my favorites.




He’s pretty ridiculously cute even though he does look just like his daddy.


And now it looks like we’ll be able to go there in less than two weeks and visit again. The 7th is Jackson’s birthday and instead of getting away to Houston for a couple of days like we usually do, we’ve decided to go see Brady!! It’s a much longer drive, but so worth it. Phillip and I’ve pretty much decided that we need to get up there as often as we can so we can get Brady time without having to fight the Grandparents. 🙂


Speaking of grandparents, Phillip’s parents went from 2 to 5 grandkids in like four months. Crazy! It’s pretty unbelievable how much this family has changed in just a few months.

She turned three…

Brittany turned three…like almost three weeks ago. Ugghhh…I’m so behind. Anyway, here are few non-identifying photos of the birthday girl. She is big into Toy Story right now and was very excited about getting Jessie and Buzz. We had a bounce house and had lots of friends over to celebrate with us. And I promise I did get some pictures of her face.






I forgot to tell you

I forgot to tell you that Phillip is a superhero. I think I remembered to tell him, but just in case I forgot that too, he’ll know now.


Because on Saturday, when I was at a shoot getting to ride on a really cool boat and take pictures of a kid wakeboarding, Phillip was at home with the three little kids. And while that part of it alone does sort of make him almost superheroish, what is truly incredible is that he decided to cook gumbo while he was at home with the three little kids. And as he began the process of making the roux (yes, he makes the roux) he realized we were out of flour. And so instead of deciding he would just have to make the gumbo after I got home, he instead loaded up the three little kids (4,3, and 1) and took them to the store to get flour. And since it would be a wasted trip to just go to the store for flour, he got a few other things that we needed as well.


And so when I got home from this really fun shoot Phillip and I got to eat gumbo for lunch. I was totally shocked when he told me that he took them to the store. I haven’t been brave enough to do it yet myself. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the logistics of doing it.


And so because of this day and so many other days, Phillip it totally a superhero in my book.


And he’s cute too. See? BTW…our friend, Amanda Reich, took our family photos on Sunday and they are so great! This is one of my favorites.


Getting ready for another year of homeschooling.

So I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned on this particular blog or not that I homeschool Jackson. And in spite of having two more kids, I’m going to homeschool him again next school year. Because I’m probably insane. Or a gluten for punishment or something like that.


Anyway, this is our second year of homeschooling and I think we’re still trying to find our groove. And adding two more kiddos into the mix hasn’t helped us find our groove any faster. Last year I went with a complete box curriculum that pretty much ate our lunch. It was jut too much stuff. This year has been much more laid back, probably too laid back. I’m trying to nail down what I’m purchasing for next year. When I decide on all of it, I’ll post it on here for the three of you who are remotely interested in that.


Some people have asked if I will homeschool Mikey. And I just laugh. I laugh because the thought of that is scary. I laugh because I’m afraid I might end up doing it. I laugh because sometimes you gotta either laugh or cry. But I’m not planning on homeschooling Mikey for pre-k or kindergarten. I’m planning on him going to public school for that. After that, who knows.

So I cancelled it.

We got a referral to take take Mikey to a pediatric developmentalist, a psychiatrist actually, back a couple of months ago. We have been having a pretty tough time with him and I felt at my wits end. So we thought maybe we should seek out some additional help. But I’ve struggled with whether it’s really necessary or not. At this point, a “diagnosis” is of little importance to us. I’ve been advised that a diagnosis could help him in public school…or possibly hinder him. I think if I were in a room with a doctor and she started rattling off the things that are “wrong” with him, I might just want to punch her in the face. And as far as medication goes, I don’t think Phillip and I will choose that route right now even if it were advised.


So…given that and that we would have to pay full price for each visit until our deductible is met, and that they would probably want to see him twice a month, I decided to cancel it. Of course, we would pay it if we felt convinced that he needed to see a specialist right now. But we’re not convinced.


He’s been much happier lately. Just more accepting of his new life with sisters. He’s been making better choices and he’s just generally been easier to handle lately. He still has meltdowns, but they are becoming less often and he is full of joy much more than he was even a month ago. We may come to the point where we revisit whether or not to take him to a specialist and/or look into medications that calm him down some. But for now, I think we’re just going to embrace his crazy and just try to make the most of it.



Because as challenging as Mikey can be, he is an awesome kid! I’m exhausted and bewildered by him pretty much daily, but I love everything about him.

Still.

Today I found out that a sweet lady that I know lost the baby she was carrying. They went in to find out if they were having a boy or a girl and the baby was still. Just as three of our babies were still when we went to have ultrasounds about 14 weeks.


And it still hurts.


Hearing her story brings it all back. Just such a heartbreaking time in our lives. And now a heartbreaking time in theirs.


The hearts of little babies should never be still. Just a reminder that this world is broken.


But God is still on his throne.

today, I…

Today, I


Took a shower before noon (just barely).


Ate a healthy breakfast.


Played with my kids.


Let my kids make a royal mess of the house and didn’t freak out about it.


Kept my cool.


Did lots of laundry.


Made the kids’ beds.


Took a nap.


Got my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed.


Sat and colored with the kids.


Went for a walk with three of the kids.


Tried very hard to remember “the big picture”.