Someday my kids will grow up and be out of my house. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to that day. I have several friends who are dropping their kids off at college this week or next. Thinking about that helps me keep some perspective, but I’m still just sort of jealous of them.
I know I wanted kids. And I still want my kids, don’t get me wrong. But the constant emotional drain is taking its toll. This summer has been long. Phillip and I seem to have very little time together anymore. I’m just ready for it to be us again. Sometimes I really feel like the kids are intruding on our lives. I know that sounds selfish, but honesty is what you get on this blog. Their needs, wants, commands, cries, running, banging,etc… are so constant that sometimes I just want to hide and never come out. Adopting the girls, even though I know it was the right thing to do, is proving to be much more challenging than I ever imagined.
I hope we come out on the other end of this parenting thing intact. I hope we maintain our sense of self. I hope our marriage continues to grow instead of going down the toilet like so many. I hope I am able to eventually enjoy my little kids like I’ve been able to enjoy Jackson as he’s gotten older. I hope they know they have been loved even though they are not always loveable. Even though I am not always loveable.
And lately the feeling I have above all else, is that I hope and pray that none of them end up having babies young and expecting us to raise them. Because there is NO WAY I’m raising any more children. I know my primary hope and prayer for them should be that they love Jesus and become the man/woman God wants them to be. And believe me, I do want that. But that doesn’t feel tangible enough to me right now. Mostly right now I just don’t want to raise any grandkids. We are counting down the years that one by one, they will go to college and we will hopefully get a break.