I had a sort of revelation or “ah-hah moment,” as Oprah calls it, a couple of nights ago. One of the things that I despise most about myself is my temper. Most people haven’t really seen it. Not really. I can be somewhat unpredictable and unfair with how I respond to stress. I can be particularly hotheaded here at home around Phillip and the kids. I think having two additional kids the last year and a half has exacerbated it. Kids go out of their way to push our buttons. I don’t handle my buttons being pushed very well.
And the other night in bed I was thinking about all of this. I have had sort of a short fuse for as long as I remember. But there are certain people and situations that really stick out in my mind where I lost it. There were many times when I was a kid, particularly around my dad, where I didn’t just feel anger. I felt rage. I wanted to hurt him. And I think I would have if I could have. I think that he, and a few others, caused such anger in me from such a young age, that I just didn’t really learn to control it well. Or if not anger, confusion and distrust that has led to anger as I’ve gotten older. And, no, I’ve never been to a shrink and maybe I should go.
I think that maybe if I don’t really allow myself to think about and feel the justified anger from when I was a kid, then I’m going to continue to spew it at people who don’t deserve it. I need to start asking myself, “Who am I really mad at right now?” I know that I need to start taking some time, when I can, to feel the justified anger so I can start letting it go.
I cannot let that man, and other deadbeats from my past, punish my kids. I guess I’ve thought this whole time that I carried it. But I don’t carry it. I give it away to the ones I love the most and it needs to stop.
Maybe I need to take up boxing as a kind of therapy.
When a five year old spills his drink…who am I really mad at?
When a two year old cries for no apparent reason, who am I really mad at?
Who am I really mad at?
And for you grammar dork weirdos, I’m mad at you right now for noticing that I ended those sentences with a preposition. I’m mad at you for getting hung up on that and missing the point.