I wish I had just lovely and positive feelings for my 3 adopted kids’ biological mom. For their sake, I really wish that I did. And this post may get deleted some day when they’re old enough to read and understand my blog. Because even though I really don’t want to lie to my kids, I have to, above all else, protect their hearts.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I’ve read a few other adoptive mom blog posts that are so sweet thinking about their child’s biological mother on Mother’s Day. And I didn’t even think of my kids’ biological mom yesterday. I really didn’t. I think if the circumstances had been different, if she had loved them sacrificially or even tried to at all, then maybe I would feel different. And I’m NOT trying to come across as judgy. Her life has been hard. She wasn’t given much of a chance. And I do feel sorry for her at times. But ultimately, she didn’t protect them. She didn’t guard them. She didn’t mother them.
And so part of me carries the bitterness that I know my kids will feel at some point as they get older. They won’t hear this bitterness from me because I tell them what they need to hear, not the truth. I tell them all of the good that they need to hear about her. I lie to my kids for her. I cover for her, and I don’t like having to do that.
Because here’s the deal… I’m their mom. And I will do whatever I have to do to make them feel secure and loved and valued. I’ll do what she wouldn’t or couldn’t do.
She is missing out on so much. She gave birth to amazing, beautiful kids. And I can’t help wonder if they even crossed her mind yesterday. I hope they did. I hope she longs for them. I hope she has sweet memories of her pregnancies and births. I hope someday she will meet them and weep at how much she’s missed them and longed to see them again. Because that is the picture that I’ll be painting of her to my children.
They deserve to hope for that. But in the meantime, I’ll just try to be who she couldn’t, all the while telling them what they need to hear. But I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for them.
Because I’m their mom.